goodness me, where does the time go??? mastectomy is over and done with. it really wasnt too bad, but the wound had to be drained 5 times becasue it kept building up with fluid!! (it involved sticking a needle into the flesh WITHOUT a pain killing injection)!! i now feels a little bruised and very very tight, mainly scar tissue though. that scar, as my friends can tell you, is fantastic, really good. the surgeon managed to do the stitches inside, which really makes a difference. again all my family and friends were wonderful and supportive and i am a very very lucky girl to have them all.

there were 15 lymph glands removed (all that was there) and out of those, 6 were affected by cancer so i hope that is a good sign.

i have just completed my first week of radiotheraphy and am trying to do as many normal things as possible. energy levels seem for the most part better, even thought chemo was not that long ago. have two more weeks of radiotheraphy and then, fingers crossed, liver op will be asap. i have a CT scan on monday (8th oct) and am dreading it and the wait until i know results. i hope its good news.

am taking tamoxifen (for the next 5 years) and hormone levels have to be checked to make sure i am and stay in the menopause. if not i will have to have injections in my stomach every month for 2 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! have been on the tv and local papers cos i went to a "look good, feel better" make up session!! also i have been invited to a kind of forum for patients who have gone through chemo, in conjunctions with the chemo nurses to see how things can be improved.

am still trying to stay positive about the future and i am hoping that once the liver op has come and gone, i will feel that there is more of a chance for me to put this behind me as much as i can and move on with living rather than this suspended existence.

I would just like to say thank you to everyone for their care and love and support. This time tomorrow, the mastectomy will be over and i will be ready to face the next part of my journey. Will update my blog as soon as i can get online xx

well well, it has been a while. really suffered with last lot of chemo, mouth ulcers were really terrible and am still very tired.last chemo was friday 13th july so i am now nearly four weeks down the line. am not feeling too bad but have been left with painful, swollen legs and watery and painful eyes. my nails also seem to be peeling away from the nail bed, which is painful too saw the surgeon yesterday who booked me in for a butchering next thursday i must say i have feelings of trepidation mixed with pure delight that i have come this far. it was always a goal that seemed so far away, a mastectomy. i never thought that the tumour would have to all intents and purposes become so miniscule that they can't even feel it:D the oncologist says that radiotheraphy will be 6 weeks after surgery (mid september) and i will have to wizz to london in the mean time to see hepatic surgeon. IF i need any more chemo (please no) then this will not be (cannot be) given until after the liver resection has been done for now i am just taking to positives (cept i might not make haywards party). any visitors will be welcome, will let you know what ward i will be on, have pre assessment on tuesday and going in early thursday morning. dont want to ramble on, but just want ot thank you all for your kind comments and your continued love and support onwards and upwards

Had netraphils done yesterday, are a bit low (2.1) but still ok for chemo (just, if below 1.5 I can't have it). Thought that I would be feeling ecstatic about it being my last one but I am dreading it, what if they can't find a vein, I have a reaction etc etc. Saw a registrar instead of my oncologist and he was lovely, said the breast tumour is under 3cm now and so soft that it has not discernable edges ( I THINK this is good!!), have a mammogram/ultrasound/biopsy of breast again on weds 18th, CT on 24th and surgeon on 1st august. He will whip me in for mastectomy ASAP before possibly radiotherapy and THEN liver re-section (if it is still operable please God)or maybe radio AFTER. I will be having to travel to london for MRI's and meeting with the hepatic consultant, again depending on the CT results. If there has been any spread then they will do nothing more, cannot even have anymore chemo cos of the strength of the stuff I have had.

Made a fab box of fruit and one of choccies for all the lovely people at the chemo unit. Some of them gave me a stern talking to for being hyper again (I can't help it i said, its my NAME for goodness sake!!) One of the guys gave a a talking to because I asked, deadly seriously, if I had have this one cos its really getting me down. I don't even feel recovered from the last lot and its already time to have the next lot. He told me that my strength of character and positivity is what would get me through and yes I did have to have the last lot, damn!!!!

It is getting harder and harder with each one and I am now so weak I cannot peel potatoes, maybe its the frustration that is making me feel so down and tearful. Also the children are coping so wonderfully well, it is seemingly not affecting them, but I find that hard because I feel like maybe they don't appreciate I am still here. Someone did point out that they and hubby are probably coping so well because I am making chemo look pretty darn easy and I am not some blubbering wreck who is feeling sorry for myself (most of the time), I am just keeping on keeping on. I think I will go with that idea!! Not sure what is going to happen on this journey but I know for sure I cannot stop the ride and get off so I have no CHOICE but to get on with it. I cannot imagine being better, but I am a little further down that road, so , providing I do not go insane with worry over CT/MRI and other results I guess I will live another day. After all, thats what its about isn't it??

Well its been a while since my last update so I thought I would enlighten/bore those who are interested!! Last sunday I did the REace For Life with my fabulous Uni mates, we raised about 1200 pounds for Cancer Research. I thought that I would be able to complete the course under my own steam but by the end of the warm up I was fading so was really pleased that one of my wonderful friends had borrowed a wheelchair. They all took it in turns to push me, bless them. It was a great but tiring day and I cannot thank them all enough for their kindness and support throughout my ordeal. A few of them had some VERY touching things written on their backs which made me wanna cry :-)I know that their friends and families read my blog to, so a big hello to you guys too and thank you for your thought and prayers, they really mean a lot to me.

Have been to the hospital today and thank goodness my neutraphils are ok (4.5) so I can have chemo on friday. This is the penultimate one (fingers crossed) but I really dont want to have anymore. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am and at least I can HAVE chemo for goodness sake, but it just seems to get harder and harder. I think it s bit like labour, "I can't do it, I can't do it, oh I did it!!" kind of a thing. This chemo is much more potent and to be honest more down right painful that the last, although there has been no sickness so far, a positive I think. The guy who assessed me today said I should take pain killers but I worry that there are so many other chemicals in my blood!!!!!

I am still holding on to the positives, the liver tumour has not moved, the lymph node is no longer palpable and the breast tumour has shrunk from 7.5cm+ to about 3.5cm (before this lot of chemo). All I can hope for is that I continue on this path and in a years time maybe I can help other people through this experience, reassure or comfort them. All I know is that this journey has taught me a lot about myself and made me confront and deal with things that I may have been avoiding. It has also taught me the true meaning of friendship!!!

OK, thank you so much for all the kind and lovely comments I am getting, its lovely to know that you are all thinking of me. Had appointment with oncologist on friday and she said the liver has stayed the same (this is good, it hasnt grown) and is still operable :-) the lymph node she can not longer feel (was 1.5 cm last cycle) and she is very pleased with the breast tumour too :-) the other lumps she says are just normal breast tissue (forgotten what that feels like tho!!). She thinks the plan is to give me the rest of the chemo and the on with the mastectomy and THEN the liver resection BEFORE radiotheraphy!! My friend Kerry-Anne said this is probably cos they will irradiate the liver too. Onwards and upwards (fingers crossed). Docetaxel is a bit of a mare, took them 40 mins to find a vein, chemo wasnt down, forgot drugs etc BUT the had an emergency on the ward, some poor man's arterial line was completely blocked :-( blood everywhere, course I just wanted to run. I was shaking, which they were worried was a reaction but I think I just didnt wanna be there!! The drugs have made me very tired, and have a very sore throat and tongue a bit bigger than normal, have some tablets because they think stomach acid is burning throat etc (more drugs), breathing is a bit hard but all things considered, not too bad. Am really hoping to make the race for life (is there toilet breaks??) and hopefully will be there with bells on, I know you will all want a turn at pushing me xx

had bloods done today, all ok for chemo on friday. their advise about the lump was to see my GP, so I think I will wait until I see Dr Mithal on friday, she is the expert!! Bilirubin is 10, which is high for me, but up to 22 is normal. Not sure of my neutraphils, will have to ask on friday. Have new chemo, docetaxel on friday so am doubley nervous, CT results AND new chemo. Have contemplated what I will do if she tells me I have 6 months to live and it is spreading, but I really dont know. I think this chemo is going to be more unpleasant than the last one, I have to start taking 8 steroids a day the day before chemo (Tomorrow)!!!!!!!!!! normally I have 3 a day starting the day after.

Have had a stressful few days, worrying about what the CT scan is going to show and what this new Docetaxel chemo is going to do to me. I have found a lump in the other breast, really painful and quite large. I am sure it was not there a few days ago, I regularly check myself because I am paranoid!!! There is also a red mark, which I dont like the look of either. Have to see my oncologist on friday so I guess there is nothing I can do till then. If it is cancer, then I guess thats the end cos its is spreading through chemo.

Have a CT scan tomorrow, kinda dreading it because I wonder what they will find, has it spread, has it got bigger in my liver?? I have this new chemo too soon. docetaxel and am nerbous cos I dont know how I will react to it. I have lost most of my head hair, pubic hair, under arm and leg hair, but not the hair on my arms and upper lip (lol). And nasal hair has almost gone too, so I snot a lot when I laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!! My poor veins are so tired and shrink whenever they feel a needle coming near. They only use the veins on one arm because they do't like to use the arm in the side that has the cancer, something to do with odema or summink. Hopefully my bloods are going to be up enough to have chemo on 1st june. Been having bone marrow stimulation drugs, which have supercharged my neutraphils (immunity) so hopefully I can fight back better.

OK the story so far. There I was just minding my own business, prancing through life, studying midwifery at uni when BAM I am hit. Cancer decided that I was doing far too dandy and I needed a lesson in stopping and standing still for a while!!!! After a history of breast cysts, I toddled along to the hospital for the latest spate of them with absolutely no worry at all. Ooops!!!! After an ultrasound they immediately did a mammogram (I am 32 for gods sake) and then said I would need a biopsy before I left the building.

A week later I nochanantly went for the results on my own, no problem I thought!! WRONG. It was confirmed that I have grade 3 (out of 3) breast cancer, the most aggressive form. After a barrage of scans and tests it was discovered that it has spread to my liver as well. The worst thing has been telling my 7 1/2 and 6 year old children, but I have been totally honest with them.

I have now completed 3 courses of FEC chemotheraphy and they have made me poorly. I am about to embark on another 3 of Docetaxel and after chatting to people I decided to keep a blog from now on. Hopefully it will help people who are going through the same kind of thing, or about to start. at worst it will be a memory for my children.