Had netraphils done yesterday, are a bit low (2.1) but still ok for chemo (just, if below 1.5 I can't have it). Thought that I would be feeling ecstatic about it being my last one but I am dreading it, what if they can't find a vein, I have a reaction etc etc. Saw a registrar instead of my oncologist and he was lovely, said the breast tumour is under 3cm now and so soft that it has not discernable edges ( I THINK this is good!!), have a mammogram/ultrasound/biopsy of breast again on weds 18th, CT on 24th and surgeon on 1st august. He will whip me in for mastectomy ASAP before possibly radiotherapy and THEN liver re-section (if it is still operable please God)or maybe radio AFTER. I will be having to travel to london for MRI's and meeting with the hepatic consultant, again depending on the CT results. If there has been any spread then they will do nothing more, cannot even have anymore chemo cos of the strength of the stuff I have had.
Made a fab box of fruit and one of choccies for all the lovely people at the chemo unit. Some of them gave me a stern talking to for being hyper again (I can't help it i said, its my NAME for goodness sake!!) One of the guys gave a a talking to because I asked, deadly seriously, if I had have this one cos its really getting me down. I don't even feel recovered from the last lot and its already time to have the next lot. He told me that my strength of character and positivity is what would get me through and yes I did have to have the last lot, damn!!!!
It is getting harder and harder with each one and I am now so weak I cannot peel potatoes, maybe its the frustration that is making me feel so down and tearful. Also the children are coping so wonderfully well, it is seemingly not affecting them, but I find that hard because I feel like maybe they don't appreciate I am still here. Someone did point out that they and hubby are probably coping so well because I am making chemo look pretty darn easy and I am not some blubbering wreck who is feeling sorry for myself (most of the time), I am just keeping on keeping on. I think I will go with that idea!! Not sure what is going to happen on this journey but I know for sure I cannot stop the ride and get off so I have no CHOICE but to get on with it. I cannot imagine being better, but I am a little further down that road, so , providing I do not go insane with worry over CT/MRI and other results I guess I will live another day. After all, thats what its about isn't it??
Emer, the thing to remember is that all the chemo is over. You have done so amazingly well, and kept your strength, both mentally and physically, throughout. You are such a fantastic inspiration to all.
And you WILL be well again, and soon. You have come this far, hunny, so no turning back now. And I agree with the person who so wisely said that your family are dealing so well with all this, because you are. You have managed to maintain a level of normality for the children throughout, which is great, but of course, has certain side effects. But you have done a fantastic job of keeping the kids suitably involved and informed without scaring or confusing them.
I am pleased that the chemo has come to an end, but that doesn't mean the support ends with it. I am here more than ever for you, thoughout everything.
D
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